In Actuality

 In Actuality: The Annual East Enders Fan Club Magazine

Finn and Malcolm are being interviewed by a journalist  with Tiger Beat, an American publication aimed at teenage girls. Neither of them were exactly thrilled about the legitimacy of this publication, but duty called:

Ron Millman (interviewer): So, the two of you have taken the pop world by storm, haven’t you? What does it feel like?

Finn Beatty: I suppose it’s a trip being recognized wherever we go, but then there’s the negative aspect of fame.

RM: You aren’t comfortable with success on this stratospheric level, am I hearing that correctly?

Malcolm Johns: Yes.  I believe you’ve described our dilemma succinctly. Sometimes I wish that we could turn back the clock and be just two ordinary blokes, but that isn’t possible in real life.

RM: (brief pause as he rearranges himself in his leather chair). Okay, we’ve got that covered. Now, Finn, you and Malcolm just came together as a kind of pop big bang. Would that be fair to say? Like atoms colliding and forming a perfect diamond.

FB: It sounds to me as if you are purposely making this interview about you, not Malc and I. Using metaphors  left, right and centre.  Are you up for some kind of promotion or something to that effect?

RM: (Wiping perspiration from his shiny forehead). No, that’s not the case at all. It’s just that...

MJ:....It’s just that you haven’t done a lick of research on either us or our music. It’s glaringly obvious, so before you embarrass yourself any further, I suggest we terminate this mindless drivel.

FB: Perfect! We got the tiger beat!

That concluded the interview for Tiger Beat magazine.  Neither Finn nor Malcolm would have any clue as to how damaging this exchange would be to them down the line. Not that it would have changed anything. The East Enders were, if anything, tied to an image of any kind.

                        In Actuality, February 1985

Finn and Malcolm were getting restless. Spending so much free time in boring generic hotel rooms got old very, very quickly. Finn finally decided to go and see a movie.  The Breakfast Club had just opened at the Capital Theatre near their hotel, so he and a pal sat down and literally fell asleep as the film rolled on, all the way to its conclusion.

Suddenly there was a sharp knock on their dressing room door and a terse and clipped voice spoke to the two of them. It was obviously not a friendly call. “Hey you freaking ingrates, you just cost us a small fortune with that ridiculous interview done last month!” It was their caustic manager, Rudy Gallow, a short, stumpy man with a shock of bright red hair, a spattering of freckles that gave him a farm boy mien and a mouth the size of Brazil. As unattractive as his off-putting personality, Gallow  glowered and gave Finn and Malcolm  a look that would send snakes slithering under rocks.

“Oh for the love of God, man!” Malcolm signed, well acquainted with Rudy Gallow’s histrionics. “Its an American teen rag, not Hello!”

“Hello? ExCUSE me, you snotty-nosed little brat, “It’s not the parents who encompass the majority of your fans---it’s their CHILDREN, dammit!”

This was going nowhere and as if a magic carpet swooped in to rescue Finn and Malcolm from further arse-kicking,  Finn’s younger sister, Janie rapped on the door. “Are you there, guys? Did  you forget that the four of us had planned to attend the rugby game this afternoon?”

 Continued...

 humble prayer, O God,